Not Everyone Who Has A Problem, Wants a Solution

This is one of the hardest things for us to understand.  But, in reality, we've all been there. 

So why do they tell us if they don't want to find a solution? 

Well, because sometimes...

1. We want to tell you... and her... and him... and them.... and to milk it for every bit of attention possible... and if YOU solve it.... you spoil our fun.

2. We don't want to solve it - we want YOU to adopt our problem, take it off our hands!  

3. We want you to join us in the blame game. Some of us find fault like there's a reward for it... or so it seems, but maybe we just want to divert attention from our faults by telling true, but slightly twisted (in-our-favour) tales, that show up other people's faults and failings.

4. We are caught up in the drama and trying to convince you (and ourselves, and anyone else who will listen) that, in this part of our lives at least, we are helpless victims, incapable of solving our problems, persecuted by baddies and in need of rescue by goodies (and we're just giving you an audition for the role of goody in our little drama - if you fail, you're obviously another baddie!)

5. We're just passing time talking ABOUT our problems... we're not interested in action! I mean, gosh... that takes effort and energy, and talking about it is far more rewarding!

So what to do?

Well you might: 

• Listen for a short while... and let us know that you'll be really interested to hear back from us when we've sorted it out... or that when we've got a plan on how to solve it, to let us know if we can help....  set limits to how long or how many times you will  listen... move on... look for opportunities to give us your full and positive attention when we are solving problems, when we're actively engaged in productive or healthy activities. 
• Give us some feedback to the effect that although we you're sure we are unhappy about the situation, we don't sound like we we're taking responsibility for solving it.
• Offer 3 suggestions, and if they all get knocked back, say something like, 'Well, that's strike 3 for me. I'm out. Let me know when you get it sorted.'
• Offer us a deal: If we agree to give you our best 3 suggestions for a problem you're facing, you promise that you will say, 'Thankyou, I'll give that some honest thought and use or adapt it to get this sorted. No buts, No argument' ... then, as long as we agree to say only 'Thankyou, I'll give that some honest thought and use or adapt it to get this sorted. No buts, No argument'.... you will give us your best 3 suggestions for our problem.