The 5A Approach
One Way to Begin the Work of Reconciling, Restoring and Rebuilding
Effective Working & Personal Relationships
Both will and skill are needed to restore relationships damaged by grievance, and/or to build relationships with those aggrieved by the past actions or omissions of others.
The 5A approach provides a structure that we have found to be effective in beginning the process of reconciling, restoring and rebuilding - it is important that the process follow this order, be supported by real listening, and followed by fair dealings.
We have to remind you that your legal or insurance advisors might advise you against using part or all of
the 5A approach, and we do not pretend to know better than them!
So you need to assess the risks and costs, and make your own decision - we cannot give you legal advice -
This is not legal advice! Please read the disclaimer at the bottom of this page
The first A.
Acknowledge
Openly, frankly, and without excuses, justification, rationalisation, dilution or discount,
the pain, suffering, cost, disadvantage etc that the person(s) experienced.
No buts or howevers.
NONE. You don't have to agree and you mustn't argue.
Just acknowledge how it was for them... what they experienced...
And if you or others did wrong, we believe that it is helpful to frankly acknolwedge that!
Empathic, reflective or active listening is required... don't tell them you understand - prove it!
| What a terrible experience... |
I handled that badly... |
| That must have been very painful for you... |
We should have handled it better... |
| You were hurt.... deeply... |
I hurt you... |
| It was an awful time for you... |
I insulted you... |
| You had a terrible time... |
I let you down... |
| It was distressing for you... |
We stuffed up |
| You felt betrayed... |
|
The second A.
Apologise
Say sorry. Stop to let them realise you've said sorry. If you need to repeat it, do so.
No excuses, justification, rationalisation, dissemblance or discount.
No buts or howevers.
Just say, Sorry...in your words...perhaps something like
| I'm sorry... |
We're sorry... |
| I am really sorry I did that... |
I'm really sorry that I hurt you... |
| I'm sorry that I caused you offence... |
I am very sorry for my part in that and for all that you experienced... |
| I am so sorry that you had to go through that ... |
I am so sorry you had that experience... |
The third A.
Ask
Don't assume that you know what they want - that may simply add to their sense of grievance! Just ASK....
| What do we do now? |
How do we move forward? |
| What do you need in order to be able to move on from here? |
How can you and I put this behind us - what do you need from me now? |
And listen actively to their answer... work at understanding... give them time to think... offer a way forward if they do not know...
The fourth A.
Amend and/or Make Amends.
You may not be able or willing to do exactly what they ask - you can however show your authenticity by engaging with them to problem solve, to find a way forward, to negotiate fair compensation.
Agree on a way forward that involves making whatever changes are needed to ensure that the mistakes and wrongs of the past are not repeated -- act on and within that agreement.
The 5th and absolutely irreplaceable A.
Authenticity.
All steps needs to be taken in this order and with an authentic commitment to righting and reconciling, restoring and rebuilding ...no matter how hard or uncomfortable or long the work involved. Believing that the first three steps are all that's needed is to show that you don't really understand or truly acknowledge the hurt felt.. this is only the start...
FAQs on the 5As
Do you have a question about this approach?
If so, please email us and we will do ourt best to provide you with a considered response that
we will then add to this FAQ section.
Note that we do not give legal advce and we do not provide free advice on specific situations.
Can you change the order? Does it matter what order you do it in? Can't you just say sorry?
It's my experience that changing the order reduces the power of the apology and reduces it's credibility with thr receiver.
I've found that when people explain to us why they haven't accepted an apology, their explanation often shows a different sequence or missed steps... so we think that the order, and your authenticity, are key factors in reconciliation.
But what if you're not the one who 'did wrong'? But what if you can't get the right people to apologise?
It's my experience that the right person to make the apology is either the person who triggered the grievance
and/or the person hearing the complaint or grievance…
If you are not the person with whom they are aggrieved, you might, for example say something like:
This was an awful experience for you, and I can hear that it’s left you feeling really hurt and angry.....
pause and listen as long as needed....
I’m really sorry you had that experience.....pause and listen as long as needed....
What do you need from me so that we might work together now in a way that would feel OK for you?
I've found that this approach, when we're dead set sincere about working in a fair process and dealing justly
with people from here on in, provides a solid basis for building a relationship...but let us stress again that you should always..
Use Your Judgment!
While we do our best to ensure that the options we provide are safe & respectful of persons,
organisations and law – we cannot anticipate every contingency!
Nothing replaces your own knowledge and judgment, so...
Use your head: get sound professional advice for specific situations and
ALWAYS put safety first
No person should rely on the contents of the written and verbal material contained herein as legal advice. Professional legal advice should be obtained from a qualified legal practitioner in regard to your particular circumstances. The Corporate Soul P/L expressly disclaims any responsibility for the results of any actions taken or not taken on the basis of verbal or written information supplied here.
Furthermore, The Corporate Soul P/L expressly disclaims all and any liability and responsibility to any person in respect of anything, and of the consequences of anything, done or omitted to be done by any such person in reliance, whether wholly or partially,
upon the whole or any part of the written or verbal information supplied.
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Remember to exercise judgment and discretion in choosing whether, when and
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Nothing
in this article constitutes advice for specific matters or issues you may
be considering - so please ensure that you source appropriate, professional
advice on specific matters you confront.
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